Thoughts that keep me up at night...

Please read my Intro found in Feb. if you are new to reading my blog. I don't want the "American Dream" I don’t care how crazy this title makes me sound. I absolutely don’t want the “American Dream.” I want to build treasure in Heaven, and minister in some way to as many people as I can. How will having more money, or a different type of house, or more things help me do this? It won’t. I may not always be cash rich, but I have been blessed beyond belief in many ways, and constantly do what I can to bless others who also may not be cash rich, but do need what I don’t or that I know I have too much of anyways. Not saying I only give when I have extra, because I don’t. I have always tried to live by the principle that the bible teaches in “if a man needs a shirt, give him the one off your back.” I am sure these aren’t the exact words, but it is the principle. Even when I feel powerless or like I have nothing to give, I have been faithful and given anyways in some form ...

Please read my Intro found in Feb. if you are new to reading my blog. I find it a constant struggle to keep my mouth shut when people use “FML” for bad days, and occasionally a bad week. Even without a belief in God, there can always be worse in life. For those with a belief in God, we have been given the promise that he will never let us go through anything we cannot handle. Kids misbehaving, missed meetings, running late, having plans changed last minute, getting a ticket, having a vehicle stop working, etc. are all things we have allowed to control our mood instead of responding in a way that is as minor as the situation itself. Many times one thing happens, and we let it spiral our whole day, week, or more into this pity party while we justify every action that we know isn’t right into a new reasoning for it. I have faced a lot myself, and even though I don’t always handle bad days or extended bad moments well; I have never found myself thinking oh “FML.” How ungrateful c...

Please read my Intro found in Feb. if you are new to reading my blog. I love that no matter what you face in life, there is always something in the bible that can guide you. First I am going to start by saying I have been very guilty of being too judgmental and prideful recently, as I somehow justified it with many situations. I tend to have these areas of sin when I am depressed, and can’t figure out how to deal with myself. I either cover it up with pride, or I judge people I have no business judging almost as a way of “I am not the only one struggling right now.” I don’t think of anyone as worse than me sin wise or less than me lifestyle wise. My judgment usually comes in when I am not submissive to the spirit. I find things I think I should pray about for others, instead of taking the time to reconnect myself. I am a firm believer in confessing sins to others, so that in honesty you can move forward in your walk as well as have others supporting you in prayer or other ways....

Please read my Intro found in Feb. if you are new to reading my blog. “I miss you; I love you” “Yes, I love you. I know it seems so hard to believe or trust in, because you have let the world’s view of love poison your mind towards my Godly love. Human love is not perfect, because humans aren’t perfect. I am perfect. I always have been, and always will be. I have a perfect love that I will always offer to you. My love won’t hurt you ever; it won’t come with the conditions you have learned to set for all love in your hearts. My love has the unexplainable peace you desire in life. It will provide the truest sense of joy you could ever long for. My love is surreal and indescribable in this world of chaos, because it is so far from that chaos. Those who haven’t experienced it want to but have lost so much heart in the imperfect love; they can’t just let it be as simple and indescribable as it is. I can wait forever; how much of your life do you want to spend filling the gaps with vic...

Please read my Intro found in Feb. if you are new to reading my blog. How callous are we? Where are we right now? Why is our voice as a majority so silent, no one believes it is the majority anymore? Here we are daily in a world that is so corrupt the most extreme cases of crimes are being committed, and yet we don’t give it much thought even after we have knowledge of it. God is crying, his heart is being torn apart, and we don’t even flinch at things we should be on our knees or our faces on the floor praying so fervently for the change, that it finally starts to happen. Let’s start with some basic things we have come to deem minor, and work into the major things. How many times a day do we allow people around us to take our Lord’s name in vein with no correction, or thought that it is wrong? How many times do we possibly do it ourselves? It is common place everywhere I go in a day, or even when I turn on the TV to her “oh my God/Lord!” or “Jesus Christ!” These phrases are so comm...

Please read my Intro found in Feb. if you are new to reading my blog. Let’s start with Galatians 3 being the reference chapter. I am sure there is more scripture for me to find in the morning when I start reading all out. Today’s issue is simply this; we are all in some way poisoned by the world around us. What really matters; success to others or in our own minds, or God’s success? What if plans change so drastically you no longer know which one you are going after, when you had a firm belief that where you were was God’s plan? How has your family environment affected you when it comes down to the times of trouble? I have my own answers for all of these, and hopefully enough of a message to support them. I am excited to write again, and work hard to completely regain a God focus. I think being around negativity has made me drift a bit more than I am prepared to battle with long term in possible direct family time. My family has changed a ton, and chaos or negative attitudes are not...

Please read my Intro found in Feb. if you are new to reading my blog. So I haven’t written in a while, and it was really bothering me that as I searched myself I had nothing further to write about. I finally figured out why; so time to write. I call, You hear me I've lost it all And it's more than I can bear I feel so empty You're strong I'm weary I'm holdin' on But I feel like givin' in But still You're with me Chorus: And even though I'm walkin' through The valley of the shadow I will hold tight to the hand of Him Whose love will comfort me And when all hope is gone And I've been wounded in the battle He is all the strength that I will ever need He will carry me I know I'm broken But You alone Can mend this heart of mine You're always with me Chorus: And even though I feel so lonely Like I've never been before You never said it would be easy But You said you'd see me through The s...

Please read my Intro found in Feb. if you are new to reading my blog. Trust is the key in any relationship. If we claim we have a relationship with God, then why do we continue to not trust Him in all circumstances? I see more being written on this soon. I have ideas of where to go with it, but have many random thoughts right now as well. Why do Christians deny Hell is a very painful reality when someone close to them dies? Obviously the death hurts a ton, because you loved the person. However, if we never faced a loved one dying who ended up in Hell, it would seem we would have no reason to try and win as many people, strangers or close loved ones to the relationship we know with the end we are promised. The fact is that many Christians never open their mouths to tell anyone they love Jesus because they might offend someone. However, Jesus and God have been offensive for 2000 years, and yet many still did as they knew to be right without fear. We have a promise of protection, and...

Please read my Intro found in Feb. if you are new to reading my blog. At risk of seeming morbid or callous I think I really need to write about what is on my mind: my cousin’s death and how it pertains to comments and thoughts I have heard. I have been around death my entire life, and beyond the shock of it, it doesn’t affect me like it does others. Of course as I adjust to the shock, I have to go through a fair amount of the grief process; I am not saying I don’t grieve. However, explaining death to my 5 ½ year old today wasn’t completely new, but more approached differently. I have always raised Lexi not to be afraid of being dead or hurt because with Jesus we know no matter what it will be ok. Today though when Lexi asked if my cousin was in heaven; I had to find a way to explain hell. This was a conversation I was not quite ready to have. With her being limited in some understandings I explained that God gives everyone the chance to choose Him and His one narrow way to heav...

Please read my Intro found in Feb. if you are new to reading my blog. I realized that despite forgiveness of all the people I needed to forgive, that I still had a ton of “scar tissue” if you will; scars on my heart from memories that I hadn’t allowed God to heal. I know many are in this category but for the sake of more understanding and me being able to sleep better, I am going to write very specifically on this. My biggest area of scar tissue arises when I have to allow myself to trust in love. I tend to get defensive before allowing those who I want close, to actually be close. Also, I tend to lack communication overall when I have deep feelings or a true need to express myself to others. Writing has been helping me heal on this plenty, but God still found ways to say “whoa wait a minute” a few times recently while dealing with my husband. My marriage is the first crucial area I need to fix the scars from. And these scars are not completely my husband’s fault. In fact many are j...

Please read my Intro found in Feb. if you are new to reading my blog. At the risk of sounding callous I recently looked up the significant earthquakes that have happened this year. To me the natural disasters at the magnitude they have been occurring is just a sign we will enter into the marathon of the end times fairly soon. The interesting part though was this: Haiti was only a 5.9. Here are all the ones we have not heard about really that were the same magnitude or worse: 6.2 Papua New Guinea, 6.9 China/Russia/North Korea region, 6.6/7.1/6.8 in that order on the Solomon Islands, 7.0 Japan, and now Chili was an 8.8 and still doesn't have the coverage Haiti did. So why is Haiti so special? There was even a 5.9 & a 6.5 just off shore in Northern California recently. I can understand not broadcasting the one around North Korea as they have caused many problems and threats for many, but the rest didn't even get a blip of news time other than the Chili one. But Haiti needed...

Please read my Intro found in Feb. if you are new to reading my blog. I can't remember if this was 2 seperate thoughts or 1. At the risk of not sleeping or continuing to be distracted in my own head; I need to finally write what has been on my mind for a few days now. As someone who doesn’t like to be in control, and usually has given advice on how not to worry or stress as much as most normally do; I found myself in an interesting spot with God. I had been taking control away from him by “but”ing my way through items I wasn’t ready to let go of. I have many examples of this, but will use the most specific example I can think of. This example is specific for the personalities like my husband who might not comprehend the topic as well otherwise. Most of my “but-ing” does not actually have anything to do with my husband, but more my own personal past or current choices. However, when God really started to deal with me on this, it was after a random thought popped into my head i...

Please read my Intro found in Feb. if you are new to reading my blog. Seems odd to post so much at once, but I want these up to date so when I do create new ones they are current. These all started this past month, not just today. I realized as I allowed my husband to read through this, how much of me has forever been completely private and unknown. I have written many songs and poems, yet have only on occasion showed anyone those. Even when one became published, I used a pen name so it wasn’t associated with me. As much as I am very loyal to my friends, and would allow any to be close friends, I realized I am not really a good friend. Love means taking risks. Those risks could be in just allowing someone to know all your thoughts, or even simply allowing more to know things that no one else would know. It also means doing your best to trust that those you open up to won’t judge you. This is the part I have always struggled with. We are taught to judge, even though God doesn’t wa...

Please read my Intro found in Feb. if you are new to reading my blog. Love does not envy. Love is not rude. Love is not proud. Love is not easily angered. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not boast…wait boast? These were my thoughts the other night as I yet again lay awake trying to sort out even more of the crazy that continues in a good way for God. Love does not boast. Was God intending this for those who are in love not to try and one up their love? Or is this meant as a reminder to not boast about the works we do out of love trying to fulfill what God has called us to? Like the people who sure, do many amazing works, but always have to run around after and be like a little puppy jumping around or doing tricks; the “look at me! Look at meeeeee!” style. Maybe it’s both. The logic of it being both helped me sleep that night instead of researching more. Now though, I need to actually learn from this that God has clearly given me to learn from.

I wasn't dealing well with the one year mark of the day my kids and; I almost died. I realized I hadn't used my time as wisely and effectively as I should have. On Jan 15th, 2010 God gave me exactly what I was to do to start down the path I should be on for how I needed to live. After the time frame for that ended, I still felt like I hadn't done enough. However, God kept taking specific subjects and keeping me awake at night until they were written down. Now I have this unquenchable desire to know more and be closer to God through all I can do and learn. So I am going to publish all I have been writing lately. Some of it seems harsh, but it is just what God has been dealing with me on in my own life. I know it will effect more than me, so I am choosing to publish it. None of what is written is what I think towards anyone, or have their been any specifics in my thoughts unless mentioned. That being the main points needed as an intro, here is part 1: Bursting at the se...