In depth
Please read my Intro found in Feb. if you are new to reading my blog.
So I haven’t written in a while, and it was really bothering me that as I searched myself I had nothing further to write about. I finally figured out why; so time to write.
I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You're strong
I'm weary
I'm holdin' on
But I feel like givin' in
But still You're with me
Chorus:
And even though I'm walkin' through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me
Chorus:
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I've never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you'd see me through
The storm
Chorus
I listen to “He Will Carry Me,” by Mark Shultz often, and it is always in my mind, but I have rarely actually reflected on it other than in my own mind.
I have nothing to lose, and yet I was having a very difficult time with the pain and knowledge of no longer being able to be as normal as I can be. There will always be worse and there will always be hope. Once we give up the understanding of these things, any problem can consume us. The fact is though, we aren’t supposed to live our lives as anything other than all out for God. This means no matter the pain, no matter the hurt, nothing should be stopping us. Life seems long in our grasp, but eternity doesn’t end. There will be no pain, sadness, suffering, etc when we are there. Knowing this still doesn’t stop us from having the selfishness to complain or think it is absolutely the worst thing ever. In all reality, even if we do face the worst thing ever for our lives, it will still be temporary because God has promised that none of our trials will be in Heaven. So why is it so easy to give up in trials? As I am growing this year spiritually, I recently failed the “what if everything is chaos all at once again” test I was given by God. The fact was I had gotten so focused and routine in maintaining my grades and a fairly steady schedule for the family that I was only masking many things instead of growing more. I started growing more spiritually, but was very unbalanced in how to adapt the spiritual growth into our normal lives. I was working out and eating tons better again, I was keeping a really good schedule with the kids so I didn’t lose my cool, I was even making sure if I saw someone in need in any way I would stop and do what I could to help no matter the schedule time frame.
This all sounds great but I was ignoring many other aspects to life, and I was not letting God actually have control other than praying he would put people in our path to help each day. God knew us before we were born. He knew every detail down to the number of hairs on our heads. This means he knew our flaws and all the mistakes we would make along the way. There is no safety in what we think we are doing to be comfortable and secure because the reality is, bad things happen whether you take risks or play it safe. Playing it safe is very boring, but we have been taught to indulge the comfort of it. It is a false hope, we think as long as we do everything how we are used to doing them that we can control our day, destiny, and security. We lie to ourselves so much, and yet we don’t think it is wrong. We actually think that the people who are awake to all these lies and false hopes are wrong because they aren’t following society or the status quo that has been taught.
That being said, as with all of my posts all of this is on a very deep personal spot with me, so I will now recap a bit to why I haven’t been writing and how this plays in. I was writing tons, sometimes only on my bathroom mirror and others signs/typing/mirrors/post-its you name it everything that was keeping me awake. I have always battled with insomnia, but it took a while to realize that my insomnia was always from God and create any form of outlet for it. Some nights all I do is pray for anyone and everyone who comes into my mind, others I go completely bonkers and really make my husband wonder when he gets up. I was in the process of research papers and finals when I learned my cousin died. A few days later as I am really trying to get my school work done in a timely manner; my daughter somehow kicked her own face and broke her nose. That day was family birthday, friend birthdays, and the birth of a new family member also. It marked the loss of some friend’s mom and grandma at the same time the new one was born. To me that was an interesting how God works moment. We then had a conference Colin had committed to well in advance that overlapped some family fun with my daughter’s school carnival. The funeral was on Sunday, and Monday was my daughter’s follow up to make sure she hadn’t damaged the surrounding sinus cavity in her accident. Monday seemed to be the thing that would be the last of the busy, allowing for a breather. We received good news at that follow up but then had bad news a few hours later when my brother in law was diagnosed with cancer. In all this I finish my class work strong and even a bit early so that my daughter and I can have our spring break start at the same time, and be enjoyable. However, I was so set on relaxing; my focus was more on controlling my day to day life better to keep everything calm again. In the midst of the chaos, there was something that for the most part seemed like a fairly normal thing (my 21 month old playing) that caused my instincts to kick in and catch him when I am not able to from my prior neck surgery. Little did I know at that time, it would be a big thing less than a month later.
We had gone tv free and even computer free other than strict when the kids were in bed times for school and our relaxing. It was the best thing ever; The free time for playing, getting my kids to help as I did some house work before playtime, and most importantly children who had changed completely from who they were when all that had been allowed. Now as I am trying to feel even remotely normal again with pain and movement, I miss having the full evening with my kids and husband as well as just no couch time overall. As much as I hate having both tv and computer back in our lives, I know I would not sit still or take care of myself how I am told to if they weren’t there. On top of them being back I realized just how far gone my main focus (God) has been in it all. So as I am wide awake my main pondering is if God wants me to give it all up again and push myself through the pain to be healed, or if it is showing me I need to find alternatives for being laid up really fast to get back the improvements that I love and miss so greatly now. All of this being said I am including in here the verses I looked up for my husband today as he is still a fairly new Christian learning God’s promises and why we do different styles and kinds of prayer as well as just learning for myself the actual references to the ones I had always heard as a child. Hope it helps you as I hope it will help me to re-read all my writings from the beginning and continue on in Crazy Love
Mark 16:15 And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.
16 He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned.
17 And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues;18 They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.
Isaiah 53:5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.
Matthew 18:20 For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."
Malachi 4:2 But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall.
Isaiah 58 (the chapter is good for overall knowledge)
Jeremiah 33:6 "'Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.
So I haven’t written in a while, and it was really bothering me that as I searched myself I had nothing further to write about. I finally figured out why; so time to write.
I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You're strong
I'm weary
I'm holdin' on
But I feel like givin' in
But still You're with me
Chorus:
And even though I'm walkin' through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me
Chorus:
And even though I feel so lonely
Like I've never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you'd see me through
The storm
Chorus
I listen to “He Will Carry Me,” by Mark Shultz often, and it is always in my mind, but I have rarely actually reflected on it other than in my own mind.
I have nothing to lose, and yet I was having a very difficult time with the pain and knowledge of no longer being able to be as normal as I can be. There will always be worse and there will always be hope. Once we give up the understanding of these things, any problem can consume us. The fact is though, we aren’t supposed to live our lives as anything other than all out for God. This means no matter the pain, no matter the hurt, nothing should be stopping us. Life seems long in our grasp, but eternity doesn’t end. There will be no pain, sadness, suffering, etc when we are there. Knowing this still doesn’t stop us from having the selfishness to complain or think it is absolutely the worst thing ever. In all reality, even if we do face the worst thing ever for our lives, it will still be temporary because God has promised that none of our trials will be in Heaven. So why is it so easy to give up in trials? As I am growing this year spiritually, I recently failed the “what if everything is chaos all at once again” test I was given by God. The fact was I had gotten so focused and routine in maintaining my grades and a fairly steady schedule for the family that I was only masking many things instead of growing more. I started growing more spiritually, but was very unbalanced in how to adapt the spiritual growth into our normal lives. I was working out and eating tons better again, I was keeping a really good schedule with the kids so I didn’t lose my cool, I was even making sure if I saw someone in need in any way I would stop and do what I could to help no matter the schedule time frame.
This all sounds great but I was ignoring many other aspects to life, and I was not letting God actually have control other than praying he would put people in our path to help each day. God knew us before we were born. He knew every detail down to the number of hairs on our heads. This means he knew our flaws and all the mistakes we would make along the way. There is no safety in what we think we are doing to be comfortable and secure because the reality is, bad things happen whether you take risks or play it safe. Playing it safe is very boring, but we have been taught to indulge the comfort of it. It is a false hope, we think as long as we do everything how we are used to doing them that we can control our day, destiny, and security. We lie to ourselves so much, and yet we don’t think it is wrong. We actually think that the people who are awake to all these lies and false hopes are wrong because they aren’t following society or the status quo that has been taught.
That being said, as with all of my posts all of this is on a very deep personal spot with me, so I will now recap a bit to why I haven’t been writing and how this plays in. I was writing tons, sometimes only on my bathroom mirror and others signs/typing/mirrors/post-its you name it everything that was keeping me awake. I have always battled with insomnia, but it took a while to realize that my insomnia was always from God and create any form of outlet for it. Some nights all I do is pray for anyone and everyone who comes into my mind, others I go completely bonkers and really make my husband wonder when he gets up. I was in the process of research papers and finals when I learned my cousin died. A few days later as I am really trying to get my school work done in a timely manner; my daughter somehow kicked her own face and broke her nose. That day was family birthday, friend birthdays, and the birth of a new family member also. It marked the loss of some friend’s mom and grandma at the same time the new one was born. To me that was an interesting how God works moment. We then had a conference Colin had committed to well in advance that overlapped some family fun with my daughter’s school carnival. The funeral was on Sunday, and Monday was my daughter’s follow up to make sure she hadn’t damaged the surrounding sinus cavity in her accident. Monday seemed to be the thing that would be the last of the busy, allowing for a breather. We received good news at that follow up but then had bad news a few hours later when my brother in law was diagnosed with cancer. In all this I finish my class work strong and even a bit early so that my daughter and I can have our spring break start at the same time, and be enjoyable. However, I was so set on relaxing; my focus was more on controlling my day to day life better to keep everything calm again. In the midst of the chaos, there was something that for the most part seemed like a fairly normal thing (my 21 month old playing) that caused my instincts to kick in and catch him when I am not able to from my prior neck surgery. Little did I know at that time, it would be a big thing less than a month later.
We had gone tv free and even computer free other than strict when the kids were in bed times for school and our relaxing. It was the best thing ever; The free time for playing, getting my kids to help as I did some house work before playtime, and most importantly children who had changed completely from who they were when all that had been allowed. Now as I am trying to feel even remotely normal again with pain and movement, I miss having the full evening with my kids and husband as well as just no couch time overall. As much as I hate having both tv and computer back in our lives, I know I would not sit still or take care of myself how I am told to if they weren’t there. On top of them being back I realized just how far gone my main focus (God) has been in it all. So as I am wide awake my main pondering is if God wants me to give it all up again and push myself through the pain to be healed, or if it is showing me I need to find alternatives for being laid up really fast to get back the improvements that I love and miss so greatly now. All of this being said I am including in here the verses I looked up for my husband today as he is still a fairly new Christian learning God’s promises and why we do different styles and kinds of prayer as well as just learning for myself the actual references to the ones I had always heard as a child. Hope it helps you as I hope it will help me to re-read all my writings from the beginning and continue on in Crazy Love
Mark 16:15 And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.
16 He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned.
17 And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues;18 They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.
Isaiah 53:5 But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.
Matthew 18:20 For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."
Malachi 4:2 But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall.
Isaiah 58 (the chapter is good for overall knowledge)
Jeremiah 33:6 "'Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.
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