The heart of the matter
Please read my Intro found in Feb. if you are new to reading my blog.
I realized that despite forgiveness of all the people I needed to forgive, that I still had a ton of “scar tissue” if you will; scars on my heart from memories that I hadn’t allowed God to heal. I know many are in this category but for the sake of more understanding and me being able to sleep better, I am going to write very specifically on this. My biggest area of scar tissue arises when I have to allow myself to trust in love. I tend to get defensive before allowing those who I want close, to actually be close. Also, I tend to lack communication overall when I have deep feelings or a true need to express myself to others. Writing has been helping me heal on this plenty, but God still found ways to say “whoa wait a minute” a few times recently while dealing with my husband. My marriage is the first crucial area I need to fix the scars from. And these scars are not completely my husband’s fault. In fact many are just my fault. Either scars I had from the past before meeting my husband have kept me very guarded, or not bothering to put forth the effort I should in the realest love I have. Here my husband has done an amazing job improving himself for, the kids & I as well as his life. Yet God showed me that the reason it took until the 1 year mark of my accident for me to get serious and start this process with him that I have been journaling was because I didn’t want to heal. That was a huge “ouch” moment. I didn’t want to heal? No. I was scared of letting go of my scars because it would leave me vulnerable. Not knowing what might take the place of my scars or what I would do if I didn’t succeed was enough fear for me not to be who I was called to be. God doesn’t give us the fears we have; our deceiver Satan does. How ironic though that most of our scars are from things or moments when we didn’t necessarily follow God, but Satan instead and got burned as a result. Yet here we are trusting that he (satan) is right when we go to deal with where our minds and hearts want to go. The lie we repeat often is, “Nope not doing it, See my brick wall for that area? Not taking it down.” God doesn’t sugar coat with me because I am the person who would love to have Jillian the trainer (Biggest Loser) be my trainer when working out because she is harsh. I am also the person that has to feel something, even if it stings, to really take it to heart.
So as God is dealing with me on this, my husband randomly had an attitude for no reason towards someone else. God was like “see how much he loves you; he is defensive for you because of his knowledge of your hurt in the past. However, he has a lot of bitterness and scars on his heart that he hasn’t healed from. Do you have the courage yet to write on this subject? You have always worked well together because in many areas you both chose to have scars you didn’t want removed. You understood each other based on the defense mechanisms you had created to avoid allowing me control and change; knowing it might hurt.” Big ouch. Not only had I been struggling with these thoughts, and not writing them until I felt sure of the direction to go, but now I had to realize just how much scars affect us all. Many of us are so scared of rejection, we just sit still and grow either defensive or angry or bitter towards anything that isn’t in our chosen known scope of life. How often do we judge someone we don’t know either to feel better about ourselves, or just because the inner part of us has to be mean to keep our guard up? Even Christians don’t love each other like we should. We don’t open up, we don’t really meet new people and develop closer relationships with them, and we become the worst friends a person could have. Then we wonder why people don’t want to be Christian, when all the people who were Christian weren’t the friends they could rely on when they had a hurt or a need. When we do change this and start being friends with new people, and change our thoughts to non-judgmental ones the minute we start to judge (in my head it’s usually bad thought…hey wait a minute I don’t want to think that so I am going to think this instead, take that devil!). We still harbor big scars that limit our possibilities in the end. Many of us have had moments where we knew God was the reason either good happened or that we didn’t crash as hard as we should have; yet we still don’t trust he can carry us or take care of us in ALL aspects of our lives. We only allow Him to go so far before He hits one of our many walls guarding our heart.
This needs to change. It has been changing for me fairly rapidly the more I write my thoughts and arguments with God down, but I know others need to read all or part of this too so God can work with them.
I realized that despite forgiveness of all the people I needed to forgive, that I still had a ton of “scar tissue” if you will; scars on my heart from memories that I hadn’t allowed God to heal. I know many are in this category but for the sake of more understanding and me being able to sleep better, I am going to write very specifically on this. My biggest area of scar tissue arises when I have to allow myself to trust in love. I tend to get defensive before allowing those who I want close, to actually be close. Also, I tend to lack communication overall when I have deep feelings or a true need to express myself to others. Writing has been helping me heal on this plenty, but God still found ways to say “whoa wait a minute” a few times recently while dealing with my husband. My marriage is the first crucial area I need to fix the scars from. And these scars are not completely my husband’s fault. In fact many are just my fault. Either scars I had from the past before meeting my husband have kept me very guarded, or not bothering to put forth the effort I should in the realest love I have. Here my husband has done an amazing job improving himself for, the kids & I as well as his life. Yet God showed me that the reason it took until the 1 year mark of my accident for me to get serious and start this process with him that I have been journaling was because I didn’t want to heal. That was a huge “ouch” moment. I didn’t want to heal? No. I was scared of letting go of my scars because it would leave me vulnerable. Not knowing what might take the place of my scars or what I would do if I didn’t succeed was enough fear for me not to be who I was called to be. God doesn’t give us the fears we have; our deceiver Satan does. How ironic though that most of our scars are from things or moments when we didn’t necessarily follow God, but Satan instead and got burned as a result. Yet here we are trusting that he (satan) is right when we go to deal with where our minds and hearts want to go. The lie we repeat often is, “Nope not doing it, See my brick wall for that area? Not taking it down.” God doesn’t sugar coat with me because I am the person who would love to have Jillian the trainer (Biggest Loser) be my trainer when working out because she is harsh. I am also the person that has to feel something, even if it stings, to really take it to heart.
So as God is dealing with me on this, my husband randomly had an attitude for no reason towards someone else. God was like “see how much he loves you; he is defensive for you because of his knowledge of your hurt in the past. However, he has a lot of bitterness and scars on his heart that he hasn’t healed from. Do you have the courage yet to write on this subject? You have always worked well together because in many areas you both chose to have scars you didn’t want removed. You understood each other based on the defense mechanisms you had created to avoid allowing me control and change; knowing it might hurt.” Big ouch. Not only had I been struggling with these thoughts, and not writing them until I felt sure of the direction to go, but now I had to realize just how much scars affect us all. Many of us are so scared of rejection, we just sit still and grow either defensive or angry or bitter towards anything that isn’t in our chosen known scope of life. How often do we judge someone we don’t know either to feel better about ourselves, or just because the inner part of us has to be mean to keep our guard up? Even Christians don’t love each other like we should. We don’t open up, we don’t really meet new people and develop closer relationships with them, and we become the worst friends a person could have. Then we wonder why people don’t want to be Christian, when all the people who were Christian weren’t the friends they could rely on when they had a hurt or a need. When we do change this and start being friends with new people, and change our thoughts to non-judgmental ones the minute we start to judge (in my head it’s usually bad thought…hey wait a minute I don’t want to think that so I am going to think this instead, take that devil!). We still harbor big scars that limit our possibilities in the end. Many of us have had moments where we knew God was the reason either good happened or that we didn’t crash as hard as we should have; yet we still don’t trust he can carry us or take care of us in ALL aspects of our lives. We only allow Him to go so far before He hits one of our many walls guarding our heart.
This needs to change. It has been changing for me fairly rapidly the more I write my thoughts and arguments with God down, but I know others need to read all or part of this too so God can work with them.
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