Thoughts that keep me up at night...

I finally re-added the blogger app to my phone. I wasn't going to, but the fact is, when I don't grab a pen and paper or my phone, at 1in the morning when God is speaking loudly to me, I forget by morning all he laid on my heart to say. Right now I am reading 2 books, and spiritually there are many moments it is physically hard to breathe as I slowly get through them. They are "Change Before You Have To" by Rob Ketterling and "Lioness Arising" by Lisa Bevere. I have many amazing sisters in Christ, and I miss many of the in-person connections that used to be regular. They will return soon, as I change my main character flaws through the many ways God is using to hound me for more. My biggest issue right now, is how defeated I had been in living and thinking, that caused a long fall. Getting back will be like climbing a treacherous mountain, and yet I only have me to blame. See who I was, was almost too prideful in how I approached life ferociously, but th...

So I have a brief version of my testimony on the main other blog I have, but I don't know that it truly encompasses my "long way around" moments we have been through. I know so many people I dearly loved, have turned against God for moments that would be the long way around, or in moments of compounding hurts and anger or offenses into one large pile to fester and build into a large fireball in the end in their hearts. I often get challenged on "how do you know God is real?" or "how is God good, with all the bad that goes on everywhere?" I live in pain, but I am alive from something many don't get to say that about. How is that not good? No our plans weren't for me to be at home with the kids, or for us to be homeschooling parents. No, the plan wasn't to have my husband working 7 days a week for years, all while waiting on the opportunity for his amazing business plan to be able to be off and running. The thing though, that so many miss i...

I am slowly getting caught up on a few church services I missed, due to cost or the time of day (not just the Sundays, as those I usually watch live). And tonight specifically was part 1 and 2 of Sparkle. I am reeling from it all, and honestly can't wait to listen to them a few more times each. But I am going to address my thoughts now on offenses and how it really does relate to reactions or lack thereof. You see, one of the main components to my testimony, is that I have a lot I could be carrying offenses from, that I am not, and in some cases have seen more healing and restoration than I ever thought possible. So why do I have many reasons most would justify staying offended would be the best answer? Here is as many as are currently in my mind: I have been physically and verbally abused. I have been raped, and well before being raped, was sexually harassed or assaulted on a near daily basis, with many people around me to witness this part and do nothing to ...

Well I have ignored all too many times that I have a powerful insight I have from God to post. Tonight I am going to post then sleep, despite my body's desire for the opposite. I am shocked after a simple and probably childish example of complacency, how much I was unaware of spiritually. I tend to have a full scan method when approaching my bathroom, because when I forget I find a centipede or large for our state spider. But I realized how quickly I forget to take a couple seconds to scan before entering, which made me realize if all that were spiritual, it follows pattern for all too fast we become complacent to Satan's minor lies that can add up quick. We have been told to stay alert to Satan's schemes, because God realized how easy it is to go from alert to complacent, and from complacent to apathetic. See much like looking to ensure some bug I don't like might not fall from the ceiling on me, or run across my unsuspecting foot, we need to look for Satan's tri...

I have re read my old posts so many times. Most of the time, as much as I agree with the thoughts in them still, I laugh at how angry they sound. I was in a critical mentality when I started this a few years ago. I can own up to that now, even though at the time I just felt it was my own personal passions needing to be voiced, especially when God & I fought on my issues. I need to add/change the my story blog as well soon. God has really been dealing with me on adding some key things I haven't put in there yet. Like before the crash, most of my prayer life was "God I can't trust him, so I will trust you, that you have a plan for this pain and hurt to change Him. I am willing to commit to you that I will live my vows and stay committed to him, no matter the hurt, so that your will can be done." Honestly neither of us were as God centered as we needed to be, but I knew that I had to be all in and be serious about faith and finding that true relationship with God i...

Well, since my Word isn't working any longer for me to type this all out, and then edit for fine tuning, I hope this turns out well. This blog has often been about my God struggles, but has also all too often been skipped when I do have my sleepless nights of prayer, reading, terrifying dreams and more. I am going to get as honest as possible in this specific one, in hopes of it being completely raw to all I went through to get what was called by some cherished women "God Comfort." First off, I don't feel I am ever at rest in growing and learning about God. I have overcome much of the standard struggles on a deeper level, or so it seems. I am not a worrying type, so peace sermons don't typically apply. This doesn't mean other sermons/ small group times don't. Also, I am ok with my body and looks thanks to growth in God, but I remember how many years that struggle took and how difficult it was. So now for all the areas I do truly struggle in, and cons...