Honest
Well, since my Word isn't working any longer for me to type this all out, and then edit for fine tuning, I hope this turns out well.
This blog has often been about my God struggles, but has also all too often been skipped when I do have my sleepless nights of prayer, reading, terrifying dreams and more. I am going to get as honest as possible in this specific one, in hopes of it being completely raw to all I went through to get what was called by some cherished women "God Comfort."
First off, I don't feel I am ever at rest in growing and learning about God. I have overcome much of the standard struggles on a deeper level, or so it seems. I am not a worrying type, so peace sermons don't typically apply. This doesn't mean other sermons/ small group times don't. Also, I am ok with my body and looks thanks to growth in God, but I remember how many years that struggle took and how difficult it was.
So now for all the areas I do truly struggle in, and constantly have to either repent of, or spend as much time as I can with God in order to prevent further sin for that day. Being selfish. I give a lot, and would help those in need as often as possible, as much as possible without blinking. This isn't where my selfishness lies. Many see that side, but don't see the other parts where this sin comes from. I struggle to wake up with my kids in the morning, and when I don't make sure we have breakfast together and start our day together, my guilt for this area of selfishness is really painful. Another way I am selfish, is when Colin comes home, I tend to do nothing more for the day as far as kids, house, etc. Here he works insane hours, and I do have dinner ready, but past that he tends to do either house work, kid care, grocery shopping, or any other item he has on his own personal list; all while I relax instead of helping. That specific one roots from all the time we had, where I simply wasn't allowed to live normally, and had to relax/ have help, but I haven't found a great method for breaking this bad pattern. Gossip and judgmental thoughts. I don't usually repeat anything I hear with names, and will often even do my best to keep it gender neutral if I feel I do need to repeat something, for prayer sake or simply as an example of understanding someone else's situation. However, I am very guilty of listening to gossip without stopping it, and that usually leads to me wanting to give advice, problem solve, or butt in to the situation. Once it is in my head, I tend to judge. Now I don't judge just them, but compare my actions or responses to theirs, and try to check it against God's or what at the time seems like God's. This tends to lead to God making sure I know how many mistakes I have made, how amazing his grace has been, as well as general repentance on my part for trying to judge when I don't know everything about the person or situation.
Now for some of the many resources I used as I went through a roller coaster in dealing with loss of career, loss of the new career being a possibility any longer (was more than half done w 3 B.S. degrees towards a new direction), never really holding my youngest as a baby, all my pain and recoveries, etc. My growth came from knowing that all I wanted was God, and all the things he promised to offer, but I hadn't found trying to put God into my selfish world with lack of most of the relationship in Him to this point.
Britt Nicole music, Jamie Grace music, Laura Story music, general worship music, Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood, Stronger by Matthew West, Kerrie Roberts music, Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns, Move by Mercy Me, and many more. I can give further details in a comment or e-mail too as I sort through all my many different saved playlists. I do also love a variety of music, so with much of this list being similar in genre, most of my play list goes from worship to rap to hard rock to country...etc. It is almost all Christian artists, with the exception of some songs that have a positive message, despite not being labeled as christian.
Francis Chan books, blog, youtube videos were a key in my growth. As well as "Dancing Bones" by Patsy Clairmont, "The Pursuit of God" by A.W. Tozer, "Don't Waste Your Life" by John Piper, The Bible, "Every Heart Restored" by Stephen Arterburn, Fred & Brenda Stoeker, with Mike Yorkey contributing; Fireproof the movie, followed by "The Love Dare" written by Alex & Stephen Kendrick. I am sure there is more here as well, and ever since the crash I am constantly reading or audio downloading new books I feel will continue my growth in God. Currently I am reading "Joni" by Joni Eareckson Tada, which is also helping in my struggles and growth.
It did take a lot of time, it took years to get broken enough to care enough to make God a priority, but when you realize how many things waste time in your day that could have been God's time to help guide your every thought, move, reaction, and more, it becomes so much easier to be diligent in that aspect of commitment. Sometimes I am reminded of how far I have come, others I truly am convicted or learning. I don't want to always seem like I have the right answer, as we are all at different points of growth on a normal basis.
Please read any and all posted from this one before, and you will see many of my other struggles, but you might also find things that help you grow.
This blog has often been about my God struggles, but has also all too often been skipped when I do have my sleepless nights of prayer, reading, terrifying dreams and more. I am going to get as honest as possible in this specific one, in hopes of it being completely raw to all I went through to get what was called by some cherished women "God Comfort."
First off, I don't feel I am ever at rest in growing and learning about God. I have overcome much of the standard struggles on a deeper level, or so it seems. I am not a worrying type, so peace sermons don't typically apply. This doesn't mean other sermons/ small group times don't. Also, I am ok with my body and looks thanks to growth in God, but I remember how many years that struggle took and how difficult it was.
So now for all the areas I do truly struggle in, and constantly have to either repent of, or spend as much time as I can with God in order to prevent further sin for that day. Being selfish. I give a lot, and would help those in need as often as possible, as much as possible without blinking. This isn't where my selfishness lies. Many see that side, but don't see the other parts where this sin comes from. I struggle to wake up with my kids in the morning, and when I don't make sure we have breakfast together and start our day together, my guilt for this area of selfishness is really painful. Another way I am selfish, is when Colin comes home, I tend to do nothing more for the day as far as kids, house, etc. Here he works insane hours, and I do have dinner ready, but past that he tends to do either house work, kid care, grocery shopping, or any other item he has on his own personal list; all while I relax instead of helping. That specific one roots from all the time we had, where I simply wasn't allowed to live normally, and had to relax/ have help, but I haven't found a great method for breaking this bad pattern. Gossip and judgmental thoughts. I don't usually repeat anything I hear with names, and will often even do my best to keep it gender neutral if I feel I do need to repeat something, for prayer sake or simply as an example of understanding someone else's situation. However, I am very guilty of listening to gossip without stopping it, and that usually leads to me wanting to give advice, problem solve, or butt in to the situation. Once it is in my head, I tend to judge. Now I don't judge just them, but compare my actions or responses to theirs, and try to check it against God's or what at the time seems like God's. This tends to lead to God making sure I know how many mistakes I have made, how amazing his grace has been, as well as general repentance on my part for trying to judge when I don't know everything about the person or situation.
Now for some of the many resources I used as I went through a roller coaster in dealing with loss of career, loss of the new career being a possibility any longer (was more than half done w 3 B.S. degrees towards a new direction), never really holding my youngest as a baby, all my pain and recoveries, etc. My growth came from knowing that all I wanted was God, and all the things he promised to offer, but I hadn't found trying to put God into my selfish world with lack of most of the relationship in Him to this point.
Britt Nicole music, Jamie Grace music, Laura Story music, general worship music, Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood, Stronger by Matthew West, Kerrie Roberts music, Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crowns, Move by Mercy Me, and many more. I can give further details in a comment or e-mail too as I sort through all my many different saved playlists. I do also love a variety of music, so with much of this list being similar in genre, most of my play list goes from worship to rap to hard rock to country...etc. It is almost all Christian artists, with the exception of some songs that have a positive message, despite not being labeled as christian.
Francis Chan books, blog, youtube videos were a key in my growth. As well as "Dancing Bones" by Patsy Clairmont, "The Pursuit of God" by A.W. Tozer, "Don't Waste Your Life" by John Piper, The Bible, "Every Heart Restored" by Stephen Arterburn, Fred & Brenda Stoeker, with Mike Yorkey contributing; Fireproof the movie, followed by "The Love Dare" written by Alex & Stephen Kendrick. I am sure there is more here as well, and ever since the crash I am constantly reading or audio downloading new books I feel will continue my growth in God. Currently I am reading "Joni" by Joni Eareckson Tada, which is also helping in my struggles and growth.
It did take a lot of time, it took years to get broken enough to care enough to make God a priority, but when you realize how many things waste time in your day that could have been God's time to help guide your every thought, move, reaction, and more, it becomes so much easier to be diligent in that aspect of commitment. Sometimes I am reminded of how far I have come, others I truly am convicted or learning. I don't want to always seem like I have the right answer, as we are all at different points of growth on a normal basis.
Please read any and all posted from this one before, and you will see many of my other struggles, but you might also find things that help you grow.
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