Long time no blog

I used to blog more frequently, because I had a laptop. Sitting at my desktop is torture on my neck and arm, but occasionally it is a wonderful escape from my phone or homeschooling. We are in the middle of chaos, but I am so glad that I am homeschooling. So much is better this year than last with the schooling. Last year was really our boys first year truly participating, even though they had both done workbooks and more as they freely chose with us before that point. Also, last year they weren't very committed to homeschooling, even though it was both of their choice. Prior to last year they both wanted public school, which we would have supported as well. This year they love school, but occasionally need a longer break than I want to factor in. They sit and focus on worksheets or more for much longer, and genuinely enjoy the work usually. Celese is doing much better too. She recently got a very special desk, that is mainly for sewing and crafts, but is secluded enough that the introvert side of her is truly thriving with it for school and more.

As I am approaching my emergency neck surgery, I am looking forward to having even more reason to focus on reading, and just being with my kids in the time I can't do much else. They are all still struggling with everything we have faced this year, so this surgery is one more thing that we use essential oils for, and have many talks about.

Our year has included Colin having his left shoulder and knee injured at work, me having a one time grand-mal seizure, a fun road trip to Nebraska for a business thing that went horribly wrong (the rest of the trip was fun for memory sake, and the kids). Riding in the truck is what I am sure pushed my neck to the point it is now, where my spinal cord is 3/4 impinged, if not more than that. The seizure definitely changed my neck, but when the muscles were finally recovering, we did the trip, and I didn't recover after that. Near the end of May, Great-Great (titles based on position to my children) Grandma became ill, so we visited her and called her more, knowing there was a good chance we wouldn't have her long. She was 105, had lived on her own, walked to the grocery store alone, and more up to that point. She waited for us to visit her one last time before she passed, because she knew we were coming (she had said that to all the family who visited her the day before we did). She passed on Celese's birthday, and that has been hard on Celese, even to this day. As we were making calls to help tell people, we learned Great Grandma on my mom's side was in the hospital for congenital heart failure. It has been busy helping both sides of the family as we are able, and we wouldn't have it any other way. We love and loved these people more than we could ever express. As we were still going through Great-Great Grandma's stuff, and helping with a church sale we always volunteer at, we learned Great Grandma on my dad's side had cancer that had come back, after being cancer free for 8 years. She has since had a biopsy and 2 surgeries all in a months time. Working that sale was what finally made it sink in, how bad my neck had been, and for how long. Things I could do last year, I was severely struggling with, which made me realize how greatly decreased my activity and ability level had been in other aspects of the year.

So now that you understand why my kids are struggling with many things other than school, you also understand why us hearing emergency surgery hasn't really processed well with them. I am not in control, and I don't understand it all, but I am doing my best to help my kids through their emotions with everything. Hearing their feelings and thoughts has been the main thing that brings me to tears many times, as I grieve with them in those moments. I had my emotional break a while ago with how chaotic it all felt, and then I had peace remembering that nothing really is in my control anyways, so if I just keep turning back to God through music (not always Christian, but I believe God is an artist and loves art that can help or heal your soul) and more, I keep finding my peace, joy, happiness, and focus for what we need to get done. My house isn't clean, but hopefully we can get a decent amount done before the surgery. It used to bother me like crazy when my limitations kept me from keeping the house in a manner I would like as far as clutter goes. Now I do much better blocking it out to keep school our priority.

Our school does include what they need to do for their church activities as well as a healthy mix of texts and learning, because I firmly believe in teaching all aspects of science, history, politics, and more. I am not someone who only takes the Christian approach or view, because when I was unsure of if I had a belief system at all, researching all religions and cults, all scientific theories with the facts each one had proven, politics and history as unbiased as possible, is what led me to know what and why I chose to believe. I have since had many experiences that have confirmed my beliefs, but I want my kids the same freedom in learning. I love their diverse friendships, and would never want that to change.

I have changed so much since the accident in my views, and how I process spiritual aspects. Many of my beginning blogs are harsh, but they were me & God fights, not me trying to bash others. I really choose not to judge, even if we don't agree on many things. I encourage my children to have diverse friendships, and I don't want to cut people off from my life that are different, only because of their differences. I don't always enjoy when things feel like they have to come to the point of having to cuss or name call to make their point, instead of only using facts. I also don't think differences have to mean hate. No matter what I believe personally, I would not treat someone with disrespect or disregard intentionally over their own choices. I love to help people, and I don't pause to first try and judge them in order to "see if they are worth giving help." I just help. I can still come off as harsh though, but usually it is from me just trying to research facts on something, and not really showing emotion. I am someone who loves to find facts to rely on in any situation I can, so that I don't have an emotional only approach, and because that is the approach, many times people think I am cold or uncaring. I obsess though when people think that, and always think of what I should have said or how I should have reacted instead for a long time after.

I really don't know what else to write. Even currently I am on a whole new journey in my faith, and I have been back to writing songs too, well lyrics anyways. I don't always get the tune in my head when I write. Once we are able, music will be part of our schooling as well. If I missed anything, or you have questions, let me know. I love being transparent. It keeps me humble, and truly is healing for me too. I used to hide my flaws and more, thinking people would not like the real me. Now I know there are so many who feel that same way, that maybe transparency will help them in their own ways.