Selfish unforgiveness

We're called to turn the other cheek, and yet we constantly have social media telling us all about toxicity, immaturity, and even not accepting apologies, only different behavior. I wasn't raised to be weak, or to not fight back. I wasn't raised to be codependent, and battle a lot when I have to be due to physical limits. I love my independence; I love my strength, but I also have no idea when I am wrestling with things emotionally that feel big, if I am responding correctly, because all I want to do is shut down, walk away, or find a solution by myself without drama or input. There were times I was super rebellious in how I handled things, and while my heart isn't wanting to rebel now for any reason, I wrestle with my biblical knowledge of what to do or how to handle a situation, and my own stubbornness that wants to say "ok all of that, but not this. I'm not done with this yet." Even typing this I know most likely it's the wrong attitude, and yet I genuinely don't know if I can submit. I don't want this healed, forgiven, fixed, or anything else yet. I'm praying as I type, because I know my arrogance, and unwillingness to have faith even in the hurt, is opposite of the growth, discipline, and more that I am working on daily. The funny thing is, I wouldn't confide the details of the situation to any person right now, because I wouldn't want it affecting how others might view the others involved. I've made that mistake plenty in life, and it's not who I am now. I don't need people hearing it, or who might be involved, like some form of gossip.

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