Changes Make us Different
I have re read my old posts so many times. Most of the time, as much as I agree with the thoughts in them still, I laugh at how angry they sound. I was in a critical mentality when I started this a few years ago. I can own up to that now, even though at the time I just felt it was my own personal passions needing to be voiced, especially when God & I fought on my issues.
I need to add/change the my story blog as well soon. God has really been dealing with me on adding some key things I haven't put in there yet. Like before the crash, most of my prayer life was "God I can't trust him, so I will trust you, that you have a plan for this pain and hurt to change Him. I am willing to commit to you that I will live my vows and stay committed to him, no matter the hurt, so that your will can be done." Honestly neither of us were as God centered as we needed to be, but I knew that I had to be all in and be serious about faith and finding that true relationship with God in order to heal from the hurt, but also to get his attention to God & where it needed to be as well.
God has not only been constantly dealing with me on things, even when I don't commit the time to writing (which I know isn't right. I get God scolded often on this. "I gave you your life and your voice for a reason. Use them!"). The thing is, now when He deals with me, I am not in an angry or critical place. I am in a much more loving God focused place for the starting point. he does still have to hit me with a 2x4 at times, but not as often, or with a shouting match between us.
Recently selfishness was getting in my own way an awful lot. I was selfish in many little things, and it snowballed faster than I realized into big things that smacked my face hard for how off base I was. When I have moments of selfishness, even the smallest ones, for some reason the snowball as it grows goes back to my insecurities in my looks and health. For so long those 2 things defined me way more than I admitted to myself at the time. I have never looked at most people and judged them in the way I viewed/judged myself, but it really did take a whole lot of God for me to even remotely understand how skewed I was to heal this area. That being said, this snowball became big enough to have me being completely self centered in those areas again, obsessing and planning very poor uses of any additional money we might have in the future.
I know I would never be able to face myself or God if I actually ever went through with my own desires, instead of giving what He has so graciously given me to those who need it so much more than I do. If I have wiggle room for selfishness in my budget, I have all that and more to use for those who have needs to be met before my wants.
After he dealt with me on my snowball, it quickly switched my focus to using the gifts he has given us, for all he intended. He has laid things on my heart that weren't there before, including a few key directions/steps he desires. There has been a lot of clarity, even though much of it still seems like possibly stepping out blindly in the new directions.
I pray for so many people on a normal basis, many of whom I have never told this specifically. As I grow, I always keep my mind & heart open to be led by Him to pray for those in my life (yes, even if it is mostly a fb friendship), as well as listening to others when they ask directly for prayer.
I need to add/change the my story blog as well soon. God has really been dealing with me on adding some key things I haven't put in there yet. Like before the crash, most of my prayer life was "God I can't trust him, so I will trust you, that you have a plan for this pain and hurt to change Him. I am willing to commit to you that I will live my vows and stay committed to him, no matter the hurt, so that your will can be done." Honestly neither of us were as God centered as we needed to be, but I knew that I had to be all in and be serious about faith and finding that true relationship with God in order to heal from the hurt, but also to get his attention to God & where it needed to be as well.
God has not only been constantly dealing with me on things, even when I don't commit the time to writing (which I know isn't right. I get God scolded often on this. "I gave you your life and your voice for a reason. Use them!"). The thing is, now when He deals with me, I am not in an angry or critical place. I am in a much more loving God focused place for the starting point. he does still have to hit me with a 2x4 at times, but not as often, or with a shouting match between us.
Recently selfishness was getting in my own way an awful lot. I was selfish in many little things, and it snowballed faster than I realized into big things that smacked my face hard for how off base I was. When I have moments of selfishness, even the smallest ones, for some reason the snowball as it grows goes back to my insecurities in my looks and health. For so long those 2 things defined me way more than I admitted to myself at the time. I have never looked at most people and judged them in the way I viewed/judged myself, but it really did take a whole lot of God for me to even remotely understand how skewed I was to heal this area. That being said, this snowball became big enough to have me being completely self centered in those areas again, obsessing and planning very poor uses of any additional money we might have in the future.
I know I would never be able to face myself or God if I actually ever went through with my own desires, instead of giving what He has so graciously given me to those who need it so much more than I do. If I have wiggle room for selfishness in my budget, I have all that and more to use for those who have needs to be met before my wants.
After he dealt with me on my snowball, it quickly switched my focus to using the gifts he has given us, for all he intended. He has laid things on my heart that weren't there before, including a few key directions/steps he desires. There has been a lot of clarity, even though much of it still seems like possibly stepping out blindly in the new directions.
I pray for so many people on a normal basis, many of whom I have never told this specifically. As I grow, I always keep my mind & heart open to be led by Him to pray for those in my life (yes, even if it is mostly a fb friendship), as well as listening to others when they ask directly for prayer.
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