Must Post
I wasn't originally sure when I wrote this, that it should be posted, but I am now. So tonight there will be 2 blogs. This was from January though.
Funny how earlier I was thinking it had been too long since I had written down anything. There is always a lot I could write down, or even should, but more often I forget. Currently, I can’t sleep thinking about my crash from over 2 years ago. On the 2 year 1 day mark of the crash I had to sit through the deposition for my case. Honestly, the emotions I felt there I can’t begin to describe. It took until at least half way through the drilling of questions for me to have a clear visual image in my head like I was in the crash all over again. Now I need to change some of my answers to give correct testimony, and don’t know how I can type it all out or sound sane in my answers. Worst of all, I can’t get the images out of my head to go to sleep. I know God was with me as it all occurred and I know He is the only reason I was at peace with it. Now, it is simply like a horror movie I can’t escape, not because of anything following the accident, but simply from the images now not leaving my mind. There are so many details I don’t remember, even visually replaying it constantly. And so many more that yes I remembered perfectly, but now things like the shear horror on my kids’ faces is also in play with all of my emotions and images I went through that day. I need these images to stop, but I know the trial in July will either bring them back or continue to have me questioning it all, since so much of what was said was wrong out of not remembering.
I really didn’t think this would be my topic to write on, and have no understanding of what more I need to write. This is my third year of wanting to do as much as I can for God. I don’t like when I feel that what I did wasn’t enough. I know where my heart is, but also see my areas that are flawed very magnified. There is a lot God speaks to me when our church does their 21 day fast. I am not saying I am fasting. If I were, it would not be in here as God calls us to fast in private and not gain attention from it. Each year we have changed, and do set or reset the standards in our home and personal lives that seem God lead. Last year we started toward the end of the church’s fast when I really knew clear as (fill in the blank, my mind has too many words to choose from) where I was to go. Funny thing was, I had written it from top to bottom, left to right over our entire bathroom mirror in dry erase marker. My husband agreed with it all, but it was more strict guidelines and “God talk” to me.
Right now my directions are more things I feel I need to do, to even gain God’s perspective for me or us for the year. I feel very random right now in this effort of mine, and definitely like I have less control than I usually enjoy feeling. I understand God is truly in control, and I have none. I just simply enjoy moments where I can fool myself for a bit that “my control” exists. That being said, with every storm and any large amounts of chaos I have had to face, it really has gotten easier to maintain my focus on God with a spirit of praise.
Funny how earlier I was thinking it had been too long since I had written down anything. There is always a lot I could write down, or even should, but more often I forget. Currently, I can’t sleep thinking about my crash from over 2 years ago. On the 2 year 1 day mark of the crash I had to sit through the deposition for my case. Honestly, the emotions I felt there I can’t begin to describe. It took until at least half way through the drilling of questions for me to have a clear visual image in my head like I was in the crash all over again. Now I need to change some of my answers to give correct testimony, and don’t know how I can type it all out or sound sane in my answers. Worst of all, I can’t get the images out of my head to go to sleep. I know God was with me as it all occurred and I know He is the only reason I was at peace with it. Now, it is simply like a horror movie I can’t escape, not because of anything following the accident, but simply from the images now not leaving my mind. There are so many details I don’t remember, even visually replaying it constantly. And so many more that yes I remembered perfectly, but now things like the shear horror on my kids’ faces is also in play with all of my emotions and images I went through that day. I need these images to stop, but I know the trial in July will either bring them back or continue to have me questioning it all, since so much of what was said was wrong out of not remembering.
I really didn’t think this would be my topic to write on, and have no understanding of what more I need to write. This is my third year of wanting to do as much as I can for God. I don’t like when I feel that what I did wasn’t enough. I know where my heart is, but also see my areas that are flawed very magnified. There is a lot God speaks to me when our church does their 21 day fast. I am not saying I am fasting. If I were, it would not be in here as God calls us to fast in private and not gain attention from it. Each year we have changed, and do set or reset the standards in our home and personal lives that seem God lead. Last year we started toward the end of the church’s fast when I really knew clear as (fill in the blank, my mind has too many words to choose from) where I was to go. Funny thing was, I had written it from top to bottom, left to right over our entire bathroom mirror in dry erase marker. My husband agreed with it all, but it was more strict guidelines and “God talk” to me.
Right now my directions are more things I feel I need to do, to even gain God’s perspective for me or us for the year. I feel very random right now in this effort of mine, and definitely like I have less control than I usually enjoy feeling. I understand God is truly in control, and I have none. I just simply enjoy moments where I can fool myself for a bit that “my control” exists. That being said, with every storm and any large amounts of chaos I have had to face, it really has gotten easier to maintain my focus on God with a spirit of praise.
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