Thoughts that keep me up at night...

Why do bitter people only have 2 settings; either knowing they are bitter and lovingly embracing their bitterness overall else, being toxic to any who cross the line of bitterness they hold, or claiming they hold no bitterness, but then are vicious like vipers striking to kill, and repeatedly striking if necessary of you accidentally cross a line you didn't know about in advance? I need social media to help run my son's business, or I would eliminate it permanently. I don't have real friends off of social media, and part of that is because I was a pretty sucky friend off social media myself for a long time. I don't like how everything you type, even if you don't mean it in a condescending or insulting way, gets taken as such, because whoever is reading it already has their own tone of voice they think all comments would be read as, and because of all the various topics that are inflammatory, it's consistently an attack. Could be meant as a discussion, or just ...

We're called to turn the other cheek, and yet we constantly have social media telling us all about toxicity, immaturity, and even not accepting apologies, only different behavior. I wasn't raised to be weak, or to not fight back. I wasn't raised to be codependent, and battle a lot when I have to be due to physical limits. I love my independence; I love my strength, but I also have no idea when I am wrestling with things emotionally that feel big, if I am responding correctly, because all I want to do is shut down, walk away, or find a solution by myself without drama or input. There were times I was super rebellious in how I handled things, and while my heart isn't wanting to rebel now for any reason, I wrestle with my biblical knowledge of what to do or how to handle a situation, and my own stubbornness that wants to say "ok all of that, but not this. I'm not done with this yet." Even typing this I know most likely it's the wrong attitude, and yet I g...

I used to blog more frequently, because I had a laptop. Sitting at my desktop is torture on my neck and arm, but occasionally it is a wonderful escape from my phone or homeschooling. We are in the middle of chaos, but I am so glad that I am homeschooling. So much is better this year than last with the schooling. Last year was really our boys first year truly participating, even though they had both done workbooks and more as they freely chose with us before that point. Also, last year they weren't very committed to homeschooling, even though it was both of their choice. Prior to last year they both wanted public school, which we would have supported as well. This year they love school, but occasionally need a longer break than I want to factor in. They sit and focus on worksheets or more for much longer, and genuinely enjoy the work usually. Celese is doing much better too. She recently got a very special desk, that is mainly for sewing and crafts, but is secluded enough that the i...

So many people look at my life and parts of my story and feel I can't catch a break, but I haven't really viewed anything that has happened quite like that. See the simplest fact is that God made me strong, physically, mostly mentally, and through trials spiritually as well. For a long time that strength was misused, but now everything just makes my testimony and life show God and His strength through me. Surgeries 13 & 14 will be done at the same time. A few others previously have been done at the same time as well, but even without that part added in, not many face surgeries 13 & 14 at the age of 30. Some have faced more, some have faced none. For the most part my recoveries have gone really well and very quickly compared to the expected time for recovery and healing. And even though I can't look as healthy as I used to, because I am a bit less physically active due to the neck surgeries, I am not weak or unhealthy. They couldn't do the standard test needed ...

I have many things I need to write about in here. My laptop needs a replacement cord, and so blogging from my phone has kept me from follow through. Honestly though, it also tends to take me many mistakes or unintentional missteps before I regain my God focus. Right now as I admit that, I am working on being back where He has called me to be. When I am even slightly off it snowballs quickly, because I honestly can only really beat my physical limitations when He is my strength. I have been slowly working through "Change Before You Have To," and "Lioness Arising." With Lioness Arising, I am actually re-reading it. I started it over when I learned the moms group at church was doing it. And wonderfully I just keep learning new God insights that He didn't have me learn the first time. Now for more truth than I had admitted outloud for years, as a result of being unaware until recently. I have been battling various forms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) sin...

Lately I have had a lot of time to think and reflect on how important understanding who God says I am, really is. I have had situations come up that make me reflect hard on the past, and make me confirm it really all has been forgiven with no bitterness on my end. Then, I realize just how much I can't help others or even think of those I see facing similar emotional pains that I had faced at one point, without it all being about God. For this I am so grateful. You see, no matter the level of hurt, how the hurt was implemented, without God I don't understand letting go of all the things you keep tight control on, trying to not feel that pain again. Trust, love, respect, and so many other aspects of who we are, can all become easily hidden or deeply changed based on the hurts we have faced. We allow the hurt to keep hurting, to constantly play on repeat, unless we have more to listen to and move towards whole heartedly that helps take all of the pain away. See, even abuse doesn...