Thoughts that keep me up at night...

So many people look at my life and parts of my story and feel I can't catch a break, but I haven't really viewed anything that has happened quite like that. See the simplest fact is that God made me strong, physically, mostly mentally, and through trials spiritually as well. For a long time that strength was misused, but now everything just makes my testimony and life show God and His strength through me. Surgeries 13 & 14 will be done at the same time. A few others previously have been done at the same time as well, but even without that part added in, not many face surgeries 13 & 14 at the age of 30. Some have faced more, some have faced none. For the most part my recoveries have gone really well and very quickly compared to the expected time for recovery and healing. And even though I can't look as healthy as I used to, because I am a bit less physically active due to the neck surgeries, I am not weak or unhealthy. They couldn't do the standard test needed ...

I have many things I need to write about in here. My laptop needs a replacement cord, and so blogging from my phone has kept me from follow through. Honestly though, it also tends to take me many mistakes or unintentional missteps before I regain my God focus. Right now as I admit that, I am working on being back where He has called me to be. When I am even slightly off it snowballs quickly, because I honestly can only really beat my physical limitations when He is my strength. I have been slowly working through "Change Before You Have To," and "Lioness Arising." With Lioness Arising, I am actually re-reading it. I started it over when I learned the moms group at church was doing it. And wonderfully I just keep learning new God insights that He didn't have me learn the first time. Now for more truth than I had admitted outloud for years, as a result of being unaware until recently. I have been battling various forms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) sin...

Lately I have had a lot of time to think and reflect on how important understanding who God says I am, really is. I have had situations come up that make me reflect hard on the past, and make me confirm it really all has been forgiven with no bitterness on my end. Then, I realize just how much I can't help others or even think of those I see facing similar emotional pains that I had faced at one point, without it all being about God. For this I am so grateful. You see, no matter the level of hurt, how the hurt was implemented, without God I don't understand letting go of all the things you keep tight control on, trying to not feel that pain again. Trust, love, respect, and so many other aspects of who we are, can all become easily hidden or deeply changed based on the hurts we have faced. We allow the hurt to keep hurting, to constantly play on repeat, unless we have more to listen to and move towards whole heartedly that helps take all of the pain away. See, even abuse doesn...